Humour | Chris's Blog

Tweets from Talygarn

Mini Show Jumping Tonight 5.45pm 2012/02/08
Mini Show Jumping Wed 8th feb 5.45pm Schedule A To be held indoors. Classes LR 1'6 1'9 2' 2'3 2'6 Entries £7 per... http://t.co/tY4nnghO 2012/02/01
Dressage Feb 5th cancelled Next Dressage Sunday March 4th 2012/01/28
25th Jan Wednesday evening show jumping 5.45pm starts with 2' clear round then 2'3 2'6 2'9 &3' qualifiers for... http://t.co/lKilSp6L 2012/01/25

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How Many Riders Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Saturday, December 8th, 2007

Found this little article which I thought was quite accurate

How Many Riders Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

ENDURANCE RIDER: Light bulb? Do you mind, I’m trying to get my horse’s pulse / respiration / hydration levels to respectable levels. Once that is done, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb.

DRESSAGE QUEEN: Me! Change a light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn’t possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself.The very thought!

CLASSICAL DRESSAGE QUEEN: These things can not be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of classical light bulb changing.

EVENTER: Hmm, as soon as my arm is out of this sling broken after falling off at that large stone wall (whilst riding Hell For Leather cross country) I’ll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It will put hair on your chest. Only prissy Dressage Queens require lights, anyway.

SHOW JUMPER: Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows that the sun shines out of my ass. Spectators are practically blinded when I am competing.

NATURAL HORSEMAN You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using “light bulb dynamics” (video available at £99.00 on my Website). Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented “light bulb coaxer” designed by me – £99.00 each, for extra £49.99 you get video thrown in) will behave as all good light bulbs should.

FOX HUNTER If you laid out all your kit the night before the hunt, you wouldn’t need to worry about the light bulb — you’d be on your way… Forget the light bulbs- got no time to worry about light bulbs – HOUNDS ARE RUNNING! Load in the dark (in August) unload in the dark (in December) Whats the big deal? (but please don’t forget the Hip Flask and Mars bar!)

YARD GROOMS Do I have to do everything??!! Oh Yeah, I do, don’t I? I’ll get to it as soon as I’m done mucking out the stables, sweeping the yard, filling the haynets, filling the water buckets, making up the feeds, grooming, picking up the droppings, sweeping the yard, cleaning the tack, excercising, turning out, fetching in, changing the rugs, mending the fencing and whatever else needs to be done.

INSTRUCTOR Someone better change the light bulb. In these days of litigation I am not teaching without a light bulb. Of course I will change the light bulb myself for my hourly freelance rate

Posted on Saturday, December 8th, 2007 at 1:57 am You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

Spurs

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007

The cowboy walked into the tack shop.
“How much for a pair of spurs?” he asked the sales clerk.
“Forty dollars.”
The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled
out a twenty.
“I’ll take one spur.”
“What’ll you do with just one?” the clerk asked.
The cowboy replied, “I figger if I can get one side of the horse
movin’, the other side’ll go too.”

Posted on Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007 at 12:15 am You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

Double Meanings

Sunday, August 26th, 2007

What the advert really means:-

Event Prospect:- Big, fast horse
Dressage Prospect:- Big, slow horse
Pleasure Prospect:- Pretty color
Sporting Prospect:- Short, fast horse
Barrel Prospect:- Fast horse which can turn
Endurance Prospect:- Fast horse which will turn sometimes
Show Jumper Prospect:- Fashion icon
Hunted in Ireland:- kamikaze (suicide mission)
Fun for all the family:- All the family laugh their socks off while each member trys to stay on
Jumps small fences:- Doesn’t jump big fences
Jumps Coloured Poles:- Doesn’t Jump Fillers
Been Cross Country:- Went for miles before he could be stopped
Good at lateral work:- Spooks at everything
Ideal Lead rein pony:- Don’t ever take it off Good all rounder:- Not particularaly good at anything Flashy:- White sock
15′2″ hh:- 14′3″ hh
16′2″ hh:- 15′3″ hh
Big trot:- Can’t canter
Nicely Started:- Lunges, but we don’t have enough insurance to ride him yet
Bold:- Runaway
Good Mover:- Runaway
Atheletic:- Runaway
Quiet:- Lame in both front legs
Dead Quiet:- Lame in all four legs
Good in Traffic (Bombproof):- Lame all around, deaf, and blind
Pony type:- Small and hairy
Arab Type:- Looks startled
Thoroughbred Type:- Looks terrified
Cob Type:- Fat
Easy to catch:- Dead
Elegant:- Thin
Well-Mannered:- Hasn’t stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week
Professionally Trained:- Hasn’t stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month
For sale as no jockey – he’s killed everyone we’ve put on his back
Cribs occasionally - cribs in the stable, in the field, when tied up, and sometimes even when being ridden
No time to do justice – and no death wish, either!
Not novice ride – velcro bums only need apply
Loves children – but couldn’t eat a whole one
Should Mature 16 hands :- Currently 14 hands, dam is 14′2, sire is 14′3, every horse in his pedigree back 18 generations is under 15 hands, but this horse will defy his DNA and grow.
To Loving Home Only:- Expensive
To Show Home Only:- Very Expensive
To Good Home Only :- Not really for sale unless you can 1) Pay twice what he is worth 2) are willing to sign a 8 page legal document allowing current owner to tuck in bed every night
For Sale Due to lack of Time:- Rider cannot afford to spend any more time in the hospital
Any Vet Check Welcome:- Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!
Recently Vetted:- Someone else found something really wrong with this horse.
Must Sell:- Weekly running costs of horse has sent us into voluntary liquidation
All Offers Considered:- Desperate to get rid
Will consider loan:- Very Desperate to get rid