Humour | Chris's Blog

Tweets from Talygarn

Mini Show Jumping Wed 8th feb 5.45pm Schedule A To be held indoors. Classes LR 1'6 1'9 2' 2'3 2'6 Entries £7 per... http://t.co/tY4nnghO 2012/02/01
Dressage Feb 5th cancelled Next Dressage Sunday March 4th 2012/01/28
25th Jan Wednesday evening show jumping 5.45pm starts with 2' clear round then 2'3 2'6 2'9 &3' qualifiers for... http://t.co/lKilSp6L 2012/01/25
Tuesday 14th Feb Taster lessons in Equestrian Vaulting, suitable for riders and non riders from 4 to 18yrs of... http://t.co/rUFqMIzx 2012/01/23

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Archive for the 'Humour' Category

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Natural Fruit Flavoured Water

Saturday, August 8th, 2009

My daughter Martha bought a bottle of natural fruit flavoured water from Starbucks in Talbot Green It was still water flavoured with cranberries and raspberries called This Water. She bought it on Saturday drank half of it and left the rest on a cupboard in her bedroom till thursday. On the side of the bottle it does say once opened drink within 2 days and keep refrigerated. What it doesn’t say is what will happen if you don’t. I would have thought after 2 days not refrigerated it would have gone off. I wouldn’t have thought – fermented, exploded and ricocheted off bedroom walls during night. You should see her bedroom it resembles a slaughterhouse. She actually heard some fizzing noise when she went to bed and thought her TV might be going to blow up so she unplugged it from the wall but she could still hear the fizzing so she thought it must have been the rain. It woke her up in the night when it exploded but she calmly got out of bed put her laptop in its case and went back to bed apparently thinking that her sheets felt a bit sticky. It has actually sprayed 3 out of 4 walls and her floor, bed and everything else in its path and the bottled landed up in bed with her. I couldnt help laughing when she was staring at her walls looking utterly confused in the morning but on a more sober note it could have struck her in the face. I did ring This Water who said this had happened once before to their knowledge and this is why these drinks must be refrigerated because the problem with fresh friut is fermentation. They kindly sent me a voucher – which I will put towards paint. Theres a lesson here to be learned by all untidy teenagers Put Your Rubbish and EMPTY bottles in the Bin

Posted on Saturday, August 8th, 2009 at 1:19 am You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

Bertha Beryl and Barbara

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009

Bertha, Beryl and Barbara are mothers at Talygarn Riding school, as part of Bertha’s job she has to conduct a survey into why people should give up smoking, choosing Beryl as a suitable candidate Bertha proceeded to try to convince Beryl that she should give up the costly habit. Bertha pointed out to Beryl that one cigarette contained not just nicotine but up to 50 drugs, Beryls eyes lit up with excitement and she commented ‘Bargain, that’s amazing think how much time I save by not having to visit all those dealers individually as it’s all there in one cigarette’. Bertha moved on and tried Barbara who stated that she had once tried inhalators to help give up but they had made her throat very dry. Beryl appeared on the scene as Bertha informed Barbara that she should have warmed them up by putting them down her bra, Beryl looked horrified and stated ‘ Put my cigarette down my bra why would I do that it would burn my Boobs’ Genuine conversation heard at the Burger Van, Names changed to protect Identity (but it’s easy to work out)

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Posted on Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009 at 11:24 pm You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

Horse Behaviour

Sunday, February 1st, 2009

This week at part of our NVQ and BHS Stage 1 we have been looking at Horse phsycology, How horses behave within in the herd.

Below is an example of how the older members of the herd may teach the younger domesticated horse theses days

CHEWING: Hey, it’s YOUR stable so go ahead and do what you want to make it more “homey”. Chew on your stable door, the fence or any other wooden item … leave your own mark!

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stable has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they’re cleaning your stable – and we all know how humans love a challenge (that’s what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).

DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.

FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stable to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.

GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; Always try to place one of your front feet on their foot, its like a hand shake.

HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stable and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s moles. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh – a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the yard and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, “Neigh, neigh, neigh…”

NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean old vet, not you!

SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.

RUGS: Catch them on the fencing, rip them in fact damage them as much as you can cause although your human may like to moan secretly they love shopping for new ones.

Posted on Sunday, February 1st, 2009 at 11:23 pm You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

Riding the Dead Horse

Friday, March 21st, 2008

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in Corporate business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like, “This is the way we have always ridden this horse.”
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that “This horse is not dead.”
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that “No horse is too dead to beat.”
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is “better, faster and cheaper” dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Posted on Friday, March 21st, 2008 at 10:16 pm You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

Cowboy

Sunday, January 20th, 2008

I liked this its from Sophie

A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. “Which one of you stole my hoss?” he yells. No one answers. “All right, I’m gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain’t outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas.” He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, “Say pardner, what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turns to him, and says, “I had to walk home.

and there’s more from Sophie on the forum

Posted on Sunday, January 20th, 2008 at 1:42 am You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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